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The Nose for the New Year resolved to write the best, most informative and entertaining column on DC politics. You, Dear Readers, are the beneficiaries.
This month, The Nose has worked his sources to get an advance copy of Mayor BlackBerry’s 2010 State of the District address. For all those who question the reportorial quality of this space, so there.
REMARKS AS PREPARED FOR DELIVERY
Mayor Adrian M. Fenty’s 2010 State of the District Address:
I’m an arrogant SOB, but is there anyone else?
Introduction:
Hello, everyone. Let me start by acknowledging all of our wonderful seniors here in Fort Lincoln. I’ve chosen to speak at this otherworldly outpost of the city because seniors vote, and I’d like to do well in Ward 5. So here I am.
Even in these difficult economic times, the District is thriving under my leadership. The Census estimates we’re close to 600,000 residents, our commercial real estate market is still strong, and we’ve retained our Triple A bond rating even though I couldn’t name any of the rating agencies before I became mayor.
Since I took office more than three years ago, I’ve traveled across the District of Columbia – sometimes without my police detail, sometimes in the passenger seat while my high school substitute teacher drove the city Navigator, sometimes with my triathlete buddies as police cleared the streets for our bike rides. I haven’t really listened to you much – I’ve determined that’s what big city mayors do – but I’ve taken decisive action that the Washington Post still seems to like, so I’m happy.
I think you should be, too. My go-with-my-gut, ignore-hard-questions, ride-bikes-and-go-to-bed-early style has many in the city comparing me to George W. Bush, but I’ll ask a question that’s more Reaganesque: Are you better off than you were four years ago? Are test scores improving in DC public schools, and do we have a rock star chancellor? Yes. Are those ridiculous taxicab zone fares gone? Yes. Do you have a pool in Ward 3? Yes.
So while I’ve handled a historic inauguration and snowstorm, some rumored to challenge me on the council have focused on major issues, such as how many free tickets they get to see our gun-toting Washington Wizards. I’m the mayor. I get things done. I’m trying to make this place a world-class city. I hand out those Verizon Center tickets to my developer friends, and in return they ask for lots of tax breaks, so we can build their projects. I hope you enjoyed Springsteen, Chris Donatelli.
Education:
I have made education the centerpiece of my administration. Everyone in the world seems to know my schools chancellor, Michelle Rhee: She’s been on the cover of Time looking like a witch; PBS and NPR just love her; she’s engaged to former basketball star and charter school founder Kevin Johnson. We’ll get to that in a minute.
Lately she’s accused some teachers of having sex with students. Is that why she fired them? I thought it was that we wanted to piss off the teachers union to show they’re protecting the worst, laziest, most incompetent teachers. Now some have tried to make connections between Rhee’s statement and these awful, spurious stories about KJ’s interactions with some under-age students at his charter schools. I have no comment on this matter. Even if you ask me a thousand times with your print reporter notepad, with your digital radio recorders or even live on those pre-dawn TV segments, I’m not answering them.
I’ll treat that question like I do any other tough question the press asks of me: I’ll say my Mayoral Consigliere Peter Nickles is looking into the matter. I’ll then say that my press office will release a statement. It will say nothing. That’s the way big city mayors operate.
Look. Some of you don’t like Rhee. You say she makes decisions without consulting you, she’s arrogant, and she’s just concerned about controlling her power. That’s why I hired her. She’s like me.
Public Safety:
With the help of Police Chief Cathy Lanier, we’ve seen a big drop in homicides. On the other hand, DC Fire/EMS Chief Dennis Rubin’s troops seem to do their best to kill EMS patients. Can’t have everything.
Once again, I’ll say that this is the best DC Council ever. In public I like to say that I have a great working relationship with them. The best! But I could do without a few of them — like Phil “the Nitpicker” Mendelson and Mary “Angry Woman” Cheh. She is so angry, isn’t she? My goodness, I built that beautiful Wilson Aquatic Center so I could train in comfort, and so her underserved, neglected Ward 3 residents could finally have a pool and save on that St. Albans membership. Times are tough.
Now Mendo and Cheh are head of the anti-Fenty block on the council. And who often joins them? Mayor/Councilmember-for-Life Marion Barry, Yvette “Holdup” Alexander, Harry “Not My Dad” Thomas Jr. and Michael “Not My Dad Either” Brown. Have you ever seen a weirder, bigger freak show?
Do you really hate my Mayoral Consigliere that much to be associated with these others, Mary and Phil?
Here’s my opinion: If I saw Harry Thomas Jr.’s boys all walking together, I’d consider them a gang. The Thomas gang. They’d probably beat up my twin boys. That’s why we need the crime bill I proposed.
Health Care and Human Services:
I know you seniors are thinking: Please don’t let an ambulance take me to Greater Southeast, which we renamed United Medical Center. Luckily, you’re much closer to Providence or Washington Hospital Center. Others aren’t so lucky.
I have to say I share your concern. He’s been a loyal supporter, but even I think David “Can’t Standya” Catania is nuts on this one. That hospital is a black hole of money, but we just can’t close a hospital east of the river. Mayor Williams wasn’t even clueless enough to do that.
Have I mentioned how many senior centers I’ve opened in my administration?
On all those other things big city mayors usually talk about at these events – like homeless services, jobs, recreation centers – I’m doing them. As fast as possible. My administration is even cutting checks for some of these projects on Christmas Eve.
Thank you all for coming out today. God Bless the District of Columbia. |
