Annus Horribilis

The Nose

2012 might best be characterized as an annus horribilis. Revelations of dirty tricks, misbehavior and corruption among District's elected officials stunned even The Nose's jaded brethren. These poor scribblers fairly wore out their cell phones tweeting followers the latest juicy tidbits. From the sticky web of financial contributions woven by Jeffrey “Piggy Bank” Thompson, which ensnared even the pious Nitpicker, to the sentencing of Kwame “Bullet Proof” Brown and Harry “Light Fingers” Thomas Jr., scandal was the gift that kept on giving.

Yet 2012 ended with an unexpected whimper. Despite the many rumors of imminent indictments, which consumed the District's chattering classes in June, September and November, Mayor Vincent “Tight Lipped” Gray remains the head of the District's dwarfish political establishment. The unindicted co-conspirator named by federal prosecutors in Jeanne Clarke Harris' charging documents remains unindicted. And Jim “The Deal Maker” Graham survived unscathed multiple angry savagings at the hands of the Washington ComPost's editorial board.

In DC, it is truly a rubric that the more things change, the more they remain the same.

So, taking inspiration from the Romantics' What I Like About You, here is a paean of appreciation for the DC pols whose antics support The Nose's bourbon habit:

Hey, uh uh!

What I like about Phil is his office files,
rooting around in endless piles, yeah!

Colleagues whining all time
trying to avoid committee assignments they find asinine.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you!

What I like about Jack is his belief in ethics light
telling voters he is the only one to keep city's finances safe at night, yeah!

Developers whispering in his ear
helping to avoid the taxes that they fear.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you!

What I like about Marion is his optimism,
his chutzpah dimming not a whit from prison.

Ward 8 falling down around his ears
grinding his Jag's complicated gears.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you!

What I like about Dave is his irritating ways
pulling out his laptop to navigate DC's fiscal maze.

Balancing the council and full time job
some issue always boiling on the hob.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you!

What I like about Jim is his attention to detail
emailing hundreds of complaints to journalists without fail.

Riding down 16th Street in his retro bug
hanging with the hipsters can make an old guy smug.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you!

What I love about VO is his sense of pride,
Ask him and he'll tell he's the best on every side.

Doing a Muhammad Ali improv on the dais,
reminding everyone that accounting is a science.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you.

What I like about Mary is her charm,
staring over those sexy glasses like a stern schoolmarm.
Prosecuting witnesses until they fear by mercilessly dissecting all they hold dear.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you.

What I like about Tommy is he never takes a chance,
putting a finger in the wind 'fore asking a partner to the dance, yeah!

GGW is twittering on his phone
mapping all the byways for his bicycle to roam.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you.

What I love about Muriel is her hoard of cash
raising money in a race with no opponent to really bash.

With Lightfoot and Lindenfeld plotting very near
telling every constituency what it wants to hear.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you.

What I love about Yvette is her choice of friends
seeing her as truly a means to an end.

Taking over the health committee will be a bonanza
if Wilmot and company turn her into their Kung Fu panda.
'Cause that's true it's what I like about you.

What I love about Kenyan is his serious mien,
cleaning up Ward 5 requires a real superman.

Chairman Pro Tempore may lead to elevation
if Vince is offered an all-expense-paid federal vacation.
Cause that's true it's what I like about you.

What I love about the Council is y'all keep me entertained at night
sipping bourbon while watching hearings is a satirist's delight.

Twittering furiously on my cell
taking the road straight to hell.
Cause that's true it's what I like about you.

Should old politicians be forgot and never brought to mind? We'll trade an indictment back and forth for auld lang syne.

Have a thought for The Nose, email thenose@hillrag.com.


Entertaining!

Entertaining!

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