The Best Things in Life Ain't Free

The Nose

Michael A. Brown accepting $5,000 in a silver travel mug.

There is a run on silver travel mugs and Redskins coffee cups at downtown stores. Yes, Dear Readers. DC city contractors are scouring the metropolis to find the latest, must-have fashion accessories alternately appropriate for imbibing caffeinated beverages or bribing DC legislators.

Perhaps The Nose is a bit naive. He always thought that if one filed proper paperwork downtown, the elves in the bowels of the District's labyrinthine bureaucracy would return the little slips of paper essential for conducting business in a manner carefree.

In his Statement of Offense and Other Conduct in the matter of Michael 'Really That' Brown v. United States, Ronald 'Gunslinger' Machen, federal prosecutor to the stars, has ripped away the veil to show the public how bidness is really conducted in DC.

Unbeknownst to the citizenry, it appears that a least one of the District's esteemed councilors has been auctioning off his lobbying skills to local concerns anxious to speed approval of official permits and permissions. The cost of rubber stamping a Certified Business Enterprise (CBE) application, a mere $50,000 smackers.

The Nose, in full possession of all his satirical faculties and exercising the panoply of his imagination's fantastical fabrications, could not have authored such a darkly comic document as the one that indicts the not-so-honorable Brown.

Let The Nose share a few delicious squibs from the Machen's opus. Here, Brown, intent on collecting maximum payments from an undercover FBI agent, states,

“I always want more so whatever you can do is fine..Whatever north of that is great.”

Later, Brown explains away his facilitation's failure to speed the approval of said CBE application,

“That's what I had worked out yesterday. I had it, I had the dude – you know, I mean, these are important people, and there is certainly a way they can equate, but when people hire lobbyists to do stuff – you know, this shit ain't – no, it's not cheap to get people on top of the pile.”

Brown continues,

“The process is what it is, but they are way ahead of the curve. Way ahead! I mean, you probably could count on one hand how many applicants get to talk to the Director – and meet the Director.”

Not forgetting the buttered side of the bread, Brown then makes a plea for expediting his cash considerations,

“I told him just a piece – just another piece of a piece. I understand that they need to continue to parcel it out.”

So, Michael 'You're Out!' Brown, here is a tune for you cribbed liberally from the Beatles songbook:

The best things in life ain't free
I can't live like the birds and bees
Give me a mug full of money
That's what I want
A duffel of dollars, yeah
That's what I want

Your votes give me a thrill
But a council salary ain't enough to pay my bills
Now give me a mug full of moolah
That's what I want
A full duffel of dollars, yeah
That's what I want

Money don't get everything it's true
What it don't get, I can't use
Now give me piece of a piece
That's what I want
A full duffel of dollars, yeah
That's what I want, want

Money gets everything it's true
What doesn't come from FBI-es, I can't use
Now give me piece of a piece
That's what I want
A cup full of bakhshesh, yeah
That's what I want

Well now give me money
That's what I want,
Wow, yeah, I need wire transfers
Oh I want a mug full of money
That's what I want
A full duffel of dollars, yeah, well
Now give me piece of a piece
Rubber-banded Benjamins
Wow, yeah, I need a mug of moolah
Now give me duffel of dollars
That's what I want, yeah
That's All I want

Don't worry, much maligned members. The sequester has not impacted The FBI Special Fund for suborning District legislators. Wend your way down to the federales downtown lair, and queue up.

The Nose loves to hear from Dear Readers. Email thenose@hillrag.com.


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