In The Case of Vincent Orange, Silence Would Be Golden

The Nose

Dear Friends, there used to be a few things that The Nose could depend on in DC politics. Ubiquitous yard signs littering medians. Pointless political debates in which candidates discoursed at great length on whatever topic intrigued them, ignoring moderators while lulling audiences into premature senility. And, of course, one could always depend on Vincent “I'm The Best” Orange for unabashed, unashamed, unending self-promotion.

Yet, Election Day approaches and Orange yard signs are scarce. The candidate himself appears uncharacteristically reticent for a man who, channeling the spirit of Khrushchev, came close to banging his shoe on the table last June in his campaign for Chair Pro Tempore of the DC Council.

Councilmember Orange, The Nose is sincerely worried about your mental facility. Has the sheen on your number 'Five' stick pin dulled? Has the inner fire that prompted you to run repeatedly for nearly every elected office in the District been quenched?

What is the problem, Councilmember? Has Jeffrey Thompson got your tongue?

Yes, it does seem that Orange has a Thompson problem. Thousands of dollars in money orders from former king of DC contracts flooded the treasury of Orange's 2011 race. As persistently reported by our fellow scribbler Alan Suderman at the Washington City Paper, these checks, which feature sequential numbers and identical handwriting, very likely were part of a larger illegal scheme of campaign funding at the heart of US Attorney Ron “Take My Sweet Time” Machen's current investigation.

Meet the new Vincent Orange, the Stealth Candidate of 2012. In Orange's calculations, the less heard, the more likely Obama voters will simply vote the Democratic slate carrying him along to victory. Yet, Orange cannot abide silence even when it is in his own interest.

OCF Final Audit Report complete. 2011 Orange At Large campaign cleared again for the 6th time. NO referral 2 FBI, US Atty, DC BD of Ethics,” crowed Orange recently on Twitter.

So, Dear Readers, The Nose has penned a panegyric to the spirit of the councilmember's campaign cribbed with some liberties from “My Fair Lady,”

Friends! There's just a few more hours.
That's all the time I've got. A few more hours
Before the voters tie the knot.

Friends! There are voters all over DC;
and I've gotta shake all of their hands in just a few more hours!

I'm getting elected in the morning! Ding dong!
The bells are gonna chime. Pull out the stopper!
Let's raise a whopper! But get me to the election without a fine!

I gotta be there in the morning,
Spruced up and lookin' in me prime.
Lobbyists, come and kiss me;
And prove that you won't diss me,
But get me to the election without a fine!

I'm getting elected in the morning.
Ding dong! The bells are gonna chime.
Drug me or jail me. Stamp me and mail me,
But get me to the election without a fine!

If I am throwing a fund-raiser, roll up the floor.
If I still got my hand out, push me out the door!

I gotta be there in the morning,
My tie pin has got to shine.
Some treasurer who's able, stop staring at your navel,
and get me to the election without a fine!

For I'm gettin' elected in the morning.
Ding dong! The bells are gonna chime.
Kick up a rumpus, but don't lose the moral compass;
And get me to the election. Get me to the election!
For God's sake, get me to the election without a fine!

If all a politician has to boast about is an escape from the incompetent clutches of the DC Office of Campaign Finance, then perhaps, Dear Readers, silence is golden.

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