Gray Enters The Fray

The Nose

The race is on, Dear Readers. Undeterred by the secret machinations of a sitting grand jury led by Ronald “Give Me My Docments” Machen. Vince “The Undertaker” Gray has thrown his dented hat into the ring. The subsequent mayoral press conference resembled nothing so much as a bear-baiting match. In his attempt to in-artfully dodge questions posed by The Nose's fellow scribblers concerning his knowledge of the shadowy realms of his last run, The Undertaker most resembled a verbal contortionist.

Mr. Mayor, The Nose has a few words of advice about dealing with the fractious, members of his dwindling fraternity:

  • Changing the subject of the conversation only encourages more inconvenient questions;

  • Losing one's temper at a press conference is the equivalent of waving a red flag in front of crowd of very angry bulls;

  • Verbal prevarications make journalists bitter, and editorial writers froth at the mouth;

  • Truth is the only inoculation against a pack of rabid reporters.

To regale the current incumbent, The Nose has purloined a tune from Gilbert and Sullivan. Here are the slightly altered lyrics to A Modern Major General:

I am the very model of a modern Mayoral-Candidate,
On the advice of my attorney, I do not intend to abdicate,
I know the name of every Council member, and I can cite DC neighborhoods historical
From Deanwood to Spring Valley, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters hypothetical,
I understand ethics, both the simple and parenthetical,
With the grand jury sitting, I'm ducking my friends in the news,
With many cheerful facts about a construction crane's hypotenuse.

I'm very good at electoral calculus;
I can estimate my path to victory using my abacus
In short, no matter what prosecutors fabricate,
I am the very model of a modern Mayoral-Candidate.

To paraphrase the famous words of former Senate Majority Leader Howard Henry Baker, Jr.: 'What did the Mayor know and when did he know it?' The District's voters, Mr. Mayor, deserve a frank answer before casting their ballots.

The Nose loves to hear from his Dear Readers. Email him at

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