I’m So Bored

The Nose

Here we are at the end of the August political doldrums, Dear Readers. The Wilson Building has been deserted for the past month as its denizens take their annual leave. Some trek to the beach; others to the wilds of this country’s vast hinterland vainly attempting to avoid colliding with Bambi or Thumper on a bucolic roadway.

June and July were such exciting months. Each indictment or resignation rumor brought a rush to The Nose’s senses much like his long ago, barely remembered dorm antics. The Nose’s cell phone was constantly buzzing as sources passed him the latest imputations.

“Vince is resigning next week for sure. I heard it from a good friend in Superior Court,” stated one source.

“Loraine Green has come back from Florida. She must be here to cop a plea,” another Hillcrest wag speculated.

As Mayor Vincent “The Stoic” Gray ducked inconvenient questions at press events, fellow scribblers tweeted away amplifying the rumors. The Nose felt trapped in a virtual echo chamber with his garrulous brethren.

While the chattering classes left off their relentless resignation gossip in August, The Stoic continued his Clintonesque tramp across the District, his itinerary incorporating events of ever diminishing gravity.

In late August, after a hard day chasing the Mayor from one pointless ribbon cutting to the next, rather than braving the Bay Bridge, The Nose sought solace at the Tune Inn. There, he ponied up to the bar only to find his fellow scribblers: Marcus Tombraider of WBTM, Sherwood Forrest of Channel 411, Allen Sundered of the Washington Rag and Mike DeMinimis of the Washington Compost.

The Nose: “If I see one more ribbon cut, I am going to use the remnants to strangle Pedro (The Voice of Vince).”

Forrest: “I just want to put my hands over my ears when the Mayor steps to the mike, and scream, ‘Wah! Wah! Wah!”

DeMinimis: “My girlfriend found me slumped over insentient after I vainly attempted to read the ‘One City Action Plan.’”

Sundered: “That was utter fantasy. It nearly made me retch.”

Tombraider: “I long for the days of chasing a mayor’s bicycle posse. At least that gave me a workout!”

The Nose: “In Anthony Williams’ day, we had a mayor who really knew how to cannonball.”

Holding their drinks in the air, his fellow members of the Fourth Estate, launched into a raucous, punk anthem (Think The Clash!):

Gray campaign worker
He wanna pay some cash
He met a brown man in Union Station
and handed it to him in a paper bag.

Prosecutor conviction talk
to the politicians of DC
Here come indictments
An’ they can’t afford to miss a word

We’re so bored with Vincent Gray
We’re so bored with Vincent Gray
But what can We do?

Fibbie investigators
Always on the TV
‘Cos politicians in America
Work seven days a week

Here come the ribbon cuttings
No straight talk
Out come the glad hands
It’s more political evasion

We’re so bored with Vincent Gray
We’re so bored with Vincent Gray
But what can We do?

Move up Machin
For the FBI
Not quite Kojak
No Ken Cummins
For the District

“Who will rid me of this boring Mayor?” signed DC’s scribblers collectively. And believe The Nose, Dear Readers, it was a cri de Coeur.

Have a thought for The Nose? Email thenose@hillrag.com; or visit him at www.thenosedc.com.


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