Me And My Shadow

The May Nose

If you really need a friend in Washington, get a dog. There is something to be said for this old piece of wisdom. After all, what would Fido say to the FBI agent knocking on his door?

Agent: “Did you ever contribute to Vincent Gray’s campaign?”
Dog: “Woof!”
Agent: “Did you ever purchase a money order at the behest of Jeffrey Thompson?”
Dog: “Woof! Woof!”
Agent: “Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?”
Dog: “Woof! Woof! Woof!” (Head nodding vigorously.)

Loyalty, it seems, has gone to the dogs.

Ruminating late one night over this issue, his brain cell greased by his favorite poison, The Nose had a revelation. The only really trustworthy thing in life is one’s shadow! Think about it. No matter which way one turns, one is followed by this shaded doppelganger. Perhaps this is why the District’s politicians have over the years turned to these dark confidants to run dark operations in support of their campaigns.

With all the press reports of money orders and other shenanigans, it was time to go to the source, The Nose mused. Picking up his cell phone, he dialed Vincent Gray’s closest advisor, Samurai “The Cat.”

The Nose: “Samurai, I need a favor.”
Samurai: “Meow!”
The Nose: “Can you give me the cell for Vince’s Shadow?”
Samurai: “Meow, Meow!”
The Nose: “Come on Samurai! When I have ever asked for anything?”
Samurai: “202-SHA-DOOW.”

Having plumbed the depth of his most confidential source in the city’s administration, The Nose was confident of getting a leg up on his competitors at Channel 411, WAM-PU and WBTM.

In the early hours of the morning, in the parking garage of the Reeves Center, The Nose met with Vince’s Shadow.

The Nose: “I hear that you were a busy beaver during Vince’s last campaign.”
Vince’s Shadow: “No comment.”
The Nose: “Didn’t you realize that the press would notice consecutively numbered money orders? All of us graduated from elementary school.”
Vince’s Shadow: “I will neither confirm nor deny knowledge of such contributions.”

Departing this frustrating interview, driving down through the historic center of DC Jazz, The Nose whistled this tune:

Like the slogan on a bumper
Like the yard sign on a lawn
Like you'll never get rid of your shadow
Vince, you'll never get rid of me
Let all the others investigate and fuss
Whatever happens, we've got us.

Me and my shadow
We're closer than money orders and Mr. Thompson
We're closer than Mr. Sulaimon and Mr. Brooks
Strolling down the Pennsylvania Avenue 

Wherever you find him, you'll find me, just look
Closer than a blogger and his keyboard
Me and my shadow 
We're closer than cigar smoke in the Players’ Lounge
We're closer than Barrack is to Michelle
No prosecutor can bust this team in two
We stick together like glue

And when it's campaigning time
That's when we walk
Doorbells start to ring
Cabs and buses pickup seniors
Robotic fingers work the phones
What a surprise
Then Cha-Ching Cha-Ching!
Victory!

Me and my shadow
And now to repeat what I said at the start
They'll need a grand jury to break us apart
We're alone but far from new

Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar
We'll talk it up on Kojo, and then a few more
We'll wind up at the Wilson Building with all of our friends,
A hiring party that will never end
For my shadow and me!

After all, what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows.

Have a thought for The Nose? Send him an email


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