On March 18,  Barack Obama addressed this nation and the contradictions that we possess.  We are conflicted in who we hate, love and really who we choose to see and who we choose to ignore.  Although he was speaking of the race and class divides, what he said is applicable to who and how we date.

I sat down with a friend in his southeast apartment.  He invited me over at prime booty call hour, but neither of us had made a move in the sexual direction, so it was no big deal to come to his apartment so late.  I’ve lived in southeast for nearly four years and must admit that as contradictory as it may be, I am sure to activate the alarm system when I step out of my car. I park under a street light and do not leave anything of value in my car, besides my car.  That night, I checked my contradictions at his door, snuggled into his love seat as he took the chair across from me.  We talked for hours, so of course the topic of relationships came up.

We talked about the “shortage” of African American men.  He spoke of the advantage that men have and even polygamy as a viable option.  When I snuck a word in, I pointed out that men and women want and need the same things, but for some reason maintain the lie that we are so different.  What I know is that male or female, no one wants to be alone. 

There are times when we want to snuggle up next to someone, to spoon and watch a DVD or just sleep next to…or with someone.  And there are times when we want to sprawl across the bed with no chance of feeling someone elses crusty feet.

At some point he drew my attention to a picture of his girlfriend, sitting on top of his book case.  As his words, “polygamy” in particular, echoed through my head, I rolled my eyes to my right, pretending to just notice the black and white image of his woman.  I realized that as Lauryn Hill stated in one of her songs, “[his] whole philosophy is paper thin.” His understanding of relationships was contradictory.  The only thing I had figured out, by the end of our conversation, was that he…or we… had nothing figured out at all.

I left his apartment at three o’clock the next morning.  As I locked my car door and put the key in the ignition, I wondered if everyone is as confused about relationships.  I had a date planned for that Sunday and wanted to gain some insight from someone who had a vested interest in me.  I persuaded a man I’m dating, to join me in a visit to the Anacostia Museum.  We pulled into the parking lot and although there were plenty of parking spots, I pulled up next to the white Oldsmobile, the only other car in the lot.  Besides security and an older gentleman watching a video on a wooden bench, the place was deserted.

We strolled through the museum, talking, looking, but all the time I was searching for a way to ask him about relationships and why men and women are world’s apart when it comes to love. We came across a picture of girls in a classroom at Anacostia High School, during desegregation.  He didn’t ask, “Why are there only three African American girls among several European girls.” Instead he asked, “Where are the guys?”

 I responded “I was thinking the same thing,” speaking of more than just the picture in front of us.  Realizing my allusion, he revealed that he too believes the shortage of African American men is a fallacy.  Although the museum wasn’t the best place to have this conversation amidst development plans for southeast and yearbooks from the 1950s and 60s, I got a solid understanding of the man walking beside me.  I was searching for confirmation that we all really want and need the same things, even though those wants and desires reveal themselves in different ways for men and women.