According to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, 50 percent of first marriages, 67 percent of second and 74 percent of third marriages end in divorce. Why is the divorce rate in America so astoundingly high?

Relationship expert and author Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Languages of Love, says that one of the reasons why is because the intense romantic feelings of love that we develop when we first meet our significant others only last on average for two years, and when these feelings subside, couples often fail to communicate their love in ways that their partners can understand.

Indeed, I have found this to be true in my counseling sessions with couples. Honeymoons end and couples make an effort to love one another, but their endeavors are often stifled because they are not communicating their love in the patterns that their spouse prefers.

Where do these preferences for love communication patterns come from? According to Dr. Chapman they come from childhood. Chapman says that we all have “love banks” and that our parents used one or several methods to fill these banks. Our parents either affirmed us verbally, or gave us gifts, or cooked us a nice meal or affirmed us with warm hugs and kisses – and the love languages that our parents shared with us are what determines our primary love language.

In my case, both of my parents affirmed me verbally. They told me on a regular basis that they loved me and so therefore this has followed through in my adult life that my primary love language is “Word’s of Affirmation.” Simple statements like “I love you”, or “you look good to day” or “I’m blessed to have you in my life” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to be loved. Persons in this love language category also like to receive words of encouragement and this includes actively listening to what your significant other has to say.

Another way to communicate love according Chapman that we can especially appreciate in this month of February, which includes Valentines Day, is “Receiving of Gifts.” Persons who prefer to have love spoken to them in this way place a value on visual symbols as a communicator of love. As we all know, it takes a lot of work to buy our significant others gifts that they will appreciate. We often say it’s the thought that counts, but with our significant others, it’s not just the thought, it’s also how much thought we put into selecting the gifts that we choose to give them. The good news is that the gifts that we give don’t always have to cost a lot of money and some of the best gifts that we can give are free.

And this brings me to the next category: “Quality Time.” Many spell love T-I-M-E. Chapman says that quality time is more than proximity. It includes focusing all of our attention on our significant other. For example, if a man stays at home on Saturday to be with his wife, but instead of focusing on her, he’s paying attention to Georgetown basketball, then this is not really quality time. These days, with our hectic schedules, it can be challenging to find time to spend with our mates and we need to find creative ways to do so. One approach that I like is for couples to take a “Pamper Day.” This is a day when both spouses take a day-off from work and stay home and just focus on pampering and loving one another.

Chapman also adds “Physical Touch” and “Acts of Service” to his list of love languages and he says that we all can feel love with the various languages, but we hear best when love is communicated in our preferred love language. For example, I can understand some Spanish, but I do best when someone communicates to me in plain English!

How can you determine your significant others primary love language? This is where it gets fun. One sure fire way to find out is to listen to what your significant other complains about the most about. If your loved one complains that you never wash the dishes and that he spends too much time doing the laundry, then this is clue that his love language is “Acts of Service.” If on the other hand, your spouse says that you’re never home and that you don’t spend enough time with them, then they are communicating to you that their primary love language is “Quality Time.”

This February, I encourage you to help make your love relationships last forever by communicating your love in languages that your loved ones can understand.