When I think back to my high school days, I recall awkward moments with boys, power struggles with teachers and intimate relationships with my female friends. We told each other everything, and although the details were often exaggerated, there was very little that we kept from each other. We didn’t have Facebook or Myspace or blogs to document our lives, and when we passed notes, they were written, not typed into a cell phone, Blackberry or Sidekick. My friends and I definitely had a strong bond, despite the break-ups and make-ups that we would go through.

Today in my 20s I have some of the same bonds. In addition, I now have a solid core of male friends, and with the exception of two, I have never had a “relationship” with these men. So when I ask questions to gain some insight into what men want and need from their partners, I expect an honest answer.

I met my friend Greg when I was working at a nonprofit in DC. We clicked immediately. We started going out to dinner and happy hours and everything that I do with my female friends. I would watch as he threw back whiskey sours, waiting patiently for him to break the “man code” and disclose deep dark secrets that could help me understand what was going on, if anything, in the minds of men.

I soon realized, however, that much of what I was going through, he was going through. He told me stories of possessive and needy women. He expressed concerns about finding a suitable wife and wanting a woman as educated and successful as he is. Greg is definitely confident, oftentimes legitimately mistaken for arrogant, but I could feel a familiar sense of urgency exuding from him.

As adults, perhaps we realize casual sex won’t work anymore, expensive dates don’t prove anything, 20 questions on the first date won’t weed out the whackos, and a three-month rule or a three-minute rule won’t insure a long-term relationship.

I must admit, my high school and even college relationships lacked the purity and genuineness I have in my relationships today. Today’s stakes are a bit higher than bad names on bathroom walls or not having a date for the prom. Singlehood represents something that I have yet to figure out, but with each passing year and each passing [bad] date, I can’t help but think that singlehood connotes leprosy. I must be intolerable, have an extreme case of halitosis and after 8 p.m. transform into Shrek’s Princess Fiona.

My friends and I don’t speculate about why we are single or our responsibility, if any, for our single status. We do focus on the shortage of African-American males, but because I have African-American, single male friends, I can’t help but consider the shortage a myth. In the face of “down low brothers,” I maintain the shortage is in consciousness, not eligible mates. In realizing the value of relationships, especially as a single woman, I also appreciate the importance of understanding different perspectives and being truthful in the most intimate and long-term relationships that I have ever had. My friendships at this stage center on platonic friends and the most beneficial part of those friendships is common concerns and really the mutual need for companionship.