Hill Rag

How to Fight Fair

Communicating Effectively When You Disagree

by: Ronda Bresnick Hauss, LCSW

There are few things more frustrating than getting into an argument that leads to a total impasse. The frustration of not being able to settle your differences can lead to angry words and hurt feelings, straining and potentially damaging relationships. The key to resolving differences in a healthy way is in learning how to fight fair.

The first key is learning how to listen. People who communicate poorly rarely listen to what the other person is saying. They may hear the words and even be able to repeat them back, but they either misunderstand or fail to get the main point. Have you ever caught yourself thinking about what you want to say when another person is talking to you? Your silence does not mean you are actually listening. When you fight fairly, it means you let the other person know you are really listening to what they are saying and have understood their point.

Be respectful of the other person. Frustration and anger can cause people to engage in name calling, blaming and criticizing. This type of communication is both hurtful and counterproductive to resolving differences. For example, calling someone a “tightwad” or a “slob” turns the discussion into an attack on the other person’s character and is unlikely to be productive. Fighting fairly means being respectful of the other person. It means censoring your own urge to engage in “character assassination.”

Focus on the present and not the past. When working out a disagreement, try to avoid dredging up past conflicts that are unrelated. Instead, focus on the specific problem at hand and on one problem at a time. Try to define the problem in the present and in clear terms, such as, “We can’t agree on who will do what around the house” as opposed to, “You never do anything around the house.”

Be specific about what you want. Using such words as, “you always” or “you never” are generalizations that are unlikely to be accurate and are more likely to be another version of blaming. Such as, “You always leave your dirty socks on the floor.” Fighting fairly means asking for what you want and being specific.

Deal with your anger appropriately. Stuffing your anger at the point you feel it, and letting it out as an overreaction to some later event, is not useful. Some people displace their anger onto others rather than express it to the person they are angry with. Others deal with their anger passively, by “forgetting” to do what another person may have asked them to do. Still other people may criticize or blame to get their anger out. Fighting fairly means being direct - telling the other person that you are angry and explaining why. Sometimes it is appropriate to let your anger over small things go.

Don’t try to talk the other person out of their feelings. Feelings arise in people without planning or decision. Yet, there are times when a person might try to suggest that another’s feelings are not valid or should not be felt. Such as, “You shouldn’t be upset about our finances.” Fighting fairly means accepting the other person’s feelings as valid and being willing to acknowledging them.

Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking. Sometimes people base their opinions on inaccurate assumptions about the other person. Mind reading is not a communication skill! Do not assume that you know what the other person is feeling or thinking. You can find out by asking them directly.

Work towards solutions. When there are major issues of disagreement, it is important not to rush to solve the issues quickly. Looking for solutions is often a matter of brainstorming. Try to generate a number of possible ideas. Look for solutions that will satisfy both people, which may involve making compromises. Recognize each other’s constructive efforts. Talk about how various proposed solutions might or might not meet each of your needs.

Some problems do not have solutions that meet both people’s needs. When there is no clear solution that will meet both peoples’ needs, it is useful to assess how important each person’s needs are. One helpful technique is for each person to indicate on a scale of 1 to 10 how important his or her needs are in a particular situation. The person who feels less strongly might then choose to be generous and yield to the other person’s needs.

Good communication is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Fighting fairly means developing the skills to resolve disagreements both equitably and with respect for the other. The reward for this is effort is greater intimacy in your relationships, a deeper understanding of another person and the satisfaction of being a better human being.

Ronda Bresnick Hauss is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of the Quiet Waters Center for Trauma, Stress and Resilience, on Capitol Hill. She uses an integrative & holistic approach to psychotherapy – addressing the connection between the mind, body and spirit through the use of traditional talk therapy, meditation, visualization, and creative, non-verbal techniques. She can be reached at: 202.544.5050.


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How to Fight Fair
Communicating Effectively When You Disagree
by: Ronda Bresnick Hauss, LCSW
There are few things more frustrating than getting into an argument that leads to a total impasse. The frustration of not being able to settle your differences can lead to angry words and hurt feelings, straining and potentially damaging relationships. The key to resolving differences in a healthy way is in learning how to fight fair. The first key is learning how to listen. People who communicate poorly rarely listen to what the other person is saying. They may hear the words and even be able to repeat them back, but they either misunderstand or fail to get the main point. Have you ever caught yourself thinking about what you want to say when another person is talking to you? Your silence does not mean you are actually listening. When you fight fairly, it means you let the other person know you are really listening to what they are saying and have understood their point. Be respectful of the other person. Frustration and anger can cause people to engage in name calling, blaming and criticizing. This type of communication is both hurtful and counterproductive to resolving differences. For example, calling someone a “tightwad” or a “slob” turns the discussion into an attack on the other person’s character and is unlikely to be productive. Fighting fairly means being respectful of the other person. It means censoring your own urge to engage in “character assassination.” Focus on the present and not the past. When working out a disagreement, try to avoid dredging up past conflicts that are unrelated. Instead, focus on the specific problem at hand and on one problem at a time. Try to define the problem in the present and in clear terms, such as, “We can’t agree on who will do what around the house” as opposed to, “You never do anything around the house.” Be specific about what you want. Using such words as, “you always” or “you never” are generalizations that are unlikely to be accurate and are more likely to be another version of blaming. Such as, “You always leave your dirty socks on the floor.” Fighting fairly means asking for what you want and being specific. Deal with your anger appropriately. Stuffing your anger at the point you feel it, and letting it out as an overreaction to some later event, is not useful. Some people displace their anger onto others rather than express it to the person they are angry with. Others deal with their anger passively, by “forgetting” to do what another person may have asked them to do. Still other people may criticize or blame to get their anger out. Fighting fairly means being direct - telling the other person that you are angry and explaining why. Sometimes it is appropriate to let your anger over small things go. Don’t try to talk the other person out of their feelings. Feelings arise in people without planning or decision. Yet, there are times when a person might try to suggest that another’s feelings are not valid or should not be felt. Such as, “You shouldn’t be upset about our finances.” Fighting fairly means accepting the other person’s feelings as valid and being willing to acknowledging them. Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking. Sometimes people base their opinions on inaccurate assumptions about the other person. Mind reading is not a communication skill! Do not assume that you know what the other person is feeling or thinking. You can find out by asking them directly. Work towards solutions. When there are major issues of disagreement, it is important not to rush to solve the issues quickly. Looking for solutions is often a matter of brainstorming. Try to generate a number of possible ideas. Look for solutions that will satisfy both people, which may involve making compromises. Recognize each other’s constructive efforts. Talk about how various proposed solutions might or might not meet each of your needs. Some problems do not have solutions that meet both people’s needs. When there is no clear solution that will meet both peoples’ needs, it is useful to assess how important each person’s needs are. One helpful technique is for each person to indicate on a scale of 1 to 10 how important his or her needs are in a particular situation. The person who feels less strongly might then choose to be generous and yield to the other person’s needs. Good communication is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Fighting fairly means developing the skills to resolve disagreements both equitably and with respect for the other. The reward for this is effort is greater intimacy in your relationships, a deeper understanding of another person and the satisfaction of being a better human being. Ronda Bresnick Hauss is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder of the Quiet Waters Center for Trauma, Stress and Resilience, on Capitol Hill. She uses an integrative & holistic approach to psychotherapy – addressing the connection between the mind, body and spirit through the use of traditional talk therapy, meditation, visualization, and creative, non-verbal techniques. She can be reached at: 202.544.5050.