We all have our version of the “perfect” family holiday. For some folks it is striving for the Martha Stewart picture perfect home and for others it’s recreating the magic of Christmas from our childhood. Some people look through rose colored glasses at family relationships – remembering fondly all the good things and conveniently forgetting the past conflicts and bad feelings. What ever your fantasy is about the holidays, consider that trying to live the fantasy of the “perfect” holiday is often a recipe for frustration and disappointment.

Welcome to Your Real Life
For many of us, real life is remembering that our family dynamics don’t change just because it is the holidays.  The media hype about the holidays that draws us to the image of the perfect holiday is based on commercialism and is aimed at selling us more perfume and newer cars.

Consider that your real life is made up of family relationships that will be consistent with the past.

Consider that your real life will probably not look like the picture perfect Martha Stewart or Norman Rockwell image.

Remind yourself that the holidays may have been so wonderful during your childhood because you had no responsibility for creating the magic.

The Good Rather Than the Perfect
What’s wrong with having a good holiday rather than an awesomely perfect holiday? What if our expectations were reasonable to our circumstances rather than larger than life? Experts say that one of the fastest routes to holiday depression is unrealistic expectations. In light of that fact, consider the following suggestions to improve your chances of enjoying your holiday:

• Try to remind yourself that no matter how old you are, when you are with your parents and siblings you tend to have the same problems you have had with them in the past.
• Sometimes we also may revert to feeling like the 10 year-old child we once were when we are with our parents. Remind yourself at those times that you are not a child, but an adult and that you have choices.
• Limit the time you spend with family to an amount that won’t make you feel crazy or restless.  
• If you are surrounded by a lot of people for a number of days and begin to feel uncomfortable, take some time away each day to decompress.
• Be realistic about your holiday plans – give up on perfect.
• If it would be detrimental to your wellbeing to spend your holiday with family then consider spending the holiday with good friends instead.

When It Feels Uncomfortable
The holidays are often associated with family and togetherness. However, in today’s world of high divorce rates and fragmented and blended families, it is often stressful to create shared holidays. For some blended families, it would not be unreasonable for people to feel like strangers with common interests and different backgrounds. Consider accepting that your family gathering may feel more like a "getting-to-know-you" occasion than like a celebration with familiar rituals. 

For many people, the holidays are a time of loneliness, self-evaluation, and reflection on the past. Memories of deceased loved ones or strained family dynamics may bring up feelings of sadness or alienation. If you are struggling this holiday season, try to have compassion for yourself. If you are not in a mood to celebrate, allow yourself to accept that. Remember, you are probably not alone in feeling this way.

Go With the Flow
One of the best ways to manage your expectations for the holidays is to have as few as of them as possible – with few expectations it is much easier to be content with whatever happens. With this approach we can more gracefully “go with the flow” where others might find themselves stuck. Going with the flow reduces the stress, allows for more creative solutions and is likely to be more enjoyable than holding on to your unrealistic expectations.

When all else fails, keep your sense of humor. Consider psychologist James Hillman’s praise of the extended family gathering as the one place where we get to meet people with whom we have very little in common.