Most people I asked did not make New Year’s resolutions. Some laughed, others hesitated before saying, “No,” and one woman said, “Not resolutions but aspirations.” Ahh … a subtle but important difference that reflects relaxed intention vs. intense determination.

The New Year’s resolution ritual seems to have become meaningless. Too many years of vowing not to do something (eat junk, drink, smoke, get stressed) sets oneself up for failure. We’ve gotten smarter, sort of.

If at some time of the year you don’t pause to take a look at your life and what you can tweak to become more the person you want to be, then you are missing an opportunity to benefit from the joy of transformation that keeps you curious, exciting and loving life. Without aspirations – a statement to yourself or others of who and what you want to be – you are guaranteed to face the same person in the mirror in 2009 you saw last year.

Winter is a good time to take stock, reflect, focus and aspire to become more the person you envision. Wanting to change does not mean you are unhappy with the way you are. After all, you are doing the best you can right now. You never get it all done, so you can never get it wrong – a simple concept but sometimes hard to embrace. Yet it remains the key to change.

People find resolutions hard to keep because they are often based on some kind of negative way of thinking, explains Evangeline Tierney, a Washington, DC, psychotherapist. “Even when words are positive, there is a restriction or deprivation attached to the resolution (e.g. eat right, exercise more) that sets one up to fail.”

Create a Vision
Tierney says it is better to develop a vision of your desired state, status or condition. “Hold the vision, and give yourself permission to take time to slowly get there because change of any kind takes time, affirmation of the self, attention and focus.”

Visioning requires one to slow down and turn inward. I like the idea of taking time because our society is so rushed and scheduled. It can be hard for some, but in order to make any real change in one’s life of any kind, that’s the way it has to be done.”

Tierney suggests using the senses to create the picture and hold it – to confirm and reaffirm the vision. “What does it feel like in the vision? What do you feel like? What does it look like? What does it smell like? What are the colors? What are the desired sensations associated with it? Get really concrete with the senses as a guide.”

For example, one of the top three goals of the New Year is losing weight. “Let’s talk about what the vision looks like,” Tierney asks her clients. “Were you ever that weight before? What did it feel like?”

They answer, “I could feel my hip bones, my legs didn’t rub together,” or “I wore a muscle shirt.”

She then asks, “What would you do differently at that weight?” It gives you a lot to talk about and a lot to think about and gives you a reality base to approach the present. “If you are more active in the vision or feel better about yourself, then you can be more active and appreciate yourself more right now as a prelude to losing the weight.”

Vigilance in Keeping One’s Vision
Let go of anything that does not serve you well, including a resolution that has a chokehold on your self-esteem, says Tierney. “Figure out another way to approach it. Cultivate a spirit of forgiveness toward yourself and other people.”

Her words hit home. A friend of mine lost a good deal of weight during the past year. She looks, feels and moves better and has been proud of her accomplishment. When she attended a health and fitness fair last year, she took a body fat test. She was labeled obese, and it ruined her day. “The test had no clue about where she has come from or where she has been,” explains Tierney. “You always have to be vigilant in protecting your vision. No one can take it from you unless you allow it. That’s why it’s so important to cultivate and affirm it, so it’s yours and you have it immersed within you. Have cues, prompts, reminders, people – whatever you need around you that supports you and that you can look at and say to yourself, ‘I’m on the right track [no matter what anyone else thinks!]’”

Remember, behavior change is not a matter of will power. Give yourself a break. Celebrate small successes, not small glitches. If you talk about, dwell on and share what you didn’t do, you’ll only attract more of that same behavior into your future. We all change at different speeds and in different ways. Break the habit of comparing yourself to others. If that thinking isn’t going to bring you closer to your goal, let it go.

We all have the power to change. It is the only thing over which we have control.

Evangeline Tierney, a long time Hillcrest resident, is a licensed psychotherapist who has a private practice in downtown DC. She can be reached at 202-429-4935 or at: etierney@alexpsychotherapy.com.