DC’s Newest Superhero
What do you get when you cross a corporate litigator with a young, impressionable politician? Able to run marathons in a single stride while voicing opinions on the knottiest legal issues. Stop a speeding lawsuit. Unelected, yet more powerful than the DC Council. Captain Nickles defends the nation’s metropolis from the dregs of its own citizens.

It is the dead of night. Mayor Blackberry is the last inhabitant of the desolate Wilson Building. Head in hand; he is bemoaning the latest chapter in the city’s tax scandal. Why did Mahatma Gandhi let this canker fester in DC’s fiscal empire for so long? How will Wall Street react now that the losses have mounted beyond the imaginable?

Clearly, another head must go on the block to satisfy members of the press baying for action. An executioner is needed. Someone unelected, an alien to the city’s many wards, the mayor muses.

Picking up the phone, Blackberry dials 311 placing a call to his myrmidons in the DC Emergency Communications Center.

“Summon Nickles” are his terse instructions.

The peace of the sleepy hamlet of Great Falls is suddenly shattered as a spotlight pierces the sky, a brilliant white circle outlining the profile of a snarling pit bull. It is the famous Nickles signal summoning our hero downtown.

Minutes later, due to light midnight traffic on GW Parkway, Captain Nickles steps through an open window into the Blackberry bullpen.

“Nickles, Gandhi is in a pickle; and the attorney general is suing Bank of America for the lost cash.”

“Never fear, Mayor Blackberry, I will rid you of this troublesome lawyer.”

The rest is history...

The Peter Principle
The fourth edition of the American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language defines the Peter Principle as, The theory that employees within an organization will advance to their highest level of competence and then be promoted to and remain at a level at which they are incompetent.

Clearly, the city’s Office of Property (Mis)Management (OPM) has elevated this principle to the level of biblical commandment in relation to its contractors.

OPM’s recent selection of the Temple Group to manage the restoration of Eastern Market is a textbook example of the Peter Principle at work.

Last fall, Allen Lew, the school construction czar, fired this company as one of his first official acts. As reported in February Hill Rag’s Market Watch column, the company mismanaged the rebuilding of the Hardy Middle School in such a manner that it was both 12 months behind schedule and $12 million over budget.

OPM’s selection of The Temple Group for the Eastern Market contract will allow the firm to continue to function at its level of incompetence. No doubt, this will not be its last application of the Peter Principle.

Scoring the Council
The Nose often has trouble keeping track of all the deals made behind the dais in the Wilson Building. Is it the cigar smoke of backroom politics that obstructs his vision?

Perhaps the inaudible comments amongst the seated councilmembers should be broadcast to promote better understanding of the legislative process?

The Nose has a solution. Chairman Gray should install an electronic scoreboard in the council chamber that tracks these hidden maneuverings and machinations.

Imagine for a moment, how helpful such device would have been in the recent vote over noise legislation. Perhaps an audible close-up just after the vote might have provided an inkling of the motivations of individual waffling councilmembers.

Perhaps, it might flash when political deals are made. Here’s one prospective headline, The Mayor-for-Life swaps support for School Reform for lukewarm Blackberry soccer endorsement.

There might be many other ways to employ the scoreboard. It could register each major donation received by a member’s political campaign.

What about computing the equivalent of batting averages for individual councilmembers? A bill that died in committee might be recorded as an error. Prime architects of a successful legislative measure could be awarded a home run, while co-sponsors might receive an RBI. At the end of the year, a council MVP might be selected.

To ensure fairness, the council will need to hire some good umpires. The Nose suggests asking Dorothy Brizill, Mark Plotkin and Mark Segraves for assistance.

In system where most council decisions are rendered unanimously or with opaque motivations seldom reported in the Post or other major media, a scoreboard might finally allow voters a chance to measure the success of their representatives.

Have a tidbit for The Nose? E-mail TheNose@hillrag.com.