The Fentyverse
Come, Dear Readers, and join the Nose in a magical broadband journey to the Fentyverse. Here, government websites, podcasts, Yahoo! groups and Facebook channel all the information a citizen needs straight to their personal communication device, neatly holstered on every hip. No need for pesky newspaper reporters and their inconvenient questions much less pesky print publications to spread The Word far and wide. It is the realm informed by blogs, where twits treat their followers to instant “tweets.” Let’s begin by taking the red pill? Be warned…

The Red pill makes you wired
And the Blue pill drops all calls
And the ones dispensed by “The Knit Picker”
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Marion
Who is having a ball
And if you go chasing Blackberries
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah smoking politician
Has given you the call
Recall Marion
Who still has plenty of gall
When men in the black fedoras
Get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow
Go ask Marion
I think he’ll know
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And Kwame Brown is talking backwards
And Vince Grey’s finally gone to bed
Remember what Queen Rhee said;
"OFF WITH YOUR HEAD”

Unfortunately in the District, there are just not enough red pills to go around.

Where in the World is Michelle Rhee?
When The Nose grows up, he wants to be Chancellor Michelle Rhee. No, he doesn’t envy the imperial authority that “The Red Queen” wields over her sprawling educational empire. Nor, does he covet the quality time she spends with his favorite people, Mayor Blackberry and his backup singers on the DC Council.

No, the Nose envies her job compensation and travel perks.

As reported by WaPo’s Daniel de Vise (Feb. 20, 2009), the District pays Rhee $356,341 in total compensation to sit at the helm of its sinking public schools. This royal sum works out to $976.28 per calendar day, including weekends and holidays.

Not a bad paycheck compared with the skimpy takings of freelance journalists, who are largely paid by the word. The Nose would likely have to pen a Dickensian opus to garner that many dead presidents.

According to WaPo, in 2008 Rhee left the District for 15 official travel days. She also availed herself of 29 days of “personal leave.” In other words, Rhee was not at the helm for a total of nearly two and a half months or approximately 21 percent of the year.

Now, let’s do a little math, children. If we total the number of the days that Rhee was absent from her Black Tower on North Capitol and then multiply it by her daily calendar compensation, the District paid more than a starting teacher’s annual salary for Rhee NOT to sit in her office, approximately $42,956.32.

Must be nice work if you can get it.

Mr. Nickles Goes to Washington
Every politician keeps a calendar. Peter M. Nickles, the District’s attorney general, has no doubt circled May 18 twice, in fire engine red. It is the statutory deadline by which our esteemed guardian of law and order must decamp from his plush Virginia digs and take up residence within the boundaries of the District of Columbia or resign his office.

Nickles could, as have others, obey the letter of the law but not its spirit, by renting a small pied-à-terre in the city, furnishing it with a bed, a TV and a couple of pans while continuing to commute from Great Falls. This course of action, while historically popular, would no doubt attract the ire of many on the council. The Nose has a better idea.

The newly gentrified Hill East neighborhood has many attractive single-family homes ideally suited for a DC public official. Nickles will even find a host of local amenities: Congressional Cemetery, DC Armory, Eastern High School, Potomac Gardens, the abandoned DC General Hospital and, of course, the DC Jail.

And if our esteemed AG gets bored late at night after lengthy meetings, The Nose is sure that no better entertainment can be found than sitting on the porch of a Hill East home at midnight watching newly released inmates attempting to hail a cab at Potomac and E.

Graham’s Got It Right … Not!
Jim Graham (D-Ward 1) has again introduced anti-loitering legislation. His proposed law, affectionately called the Bowtie Bill, would permit DC police to untie knots of two or more individuals in areas identified as hosting illegal activity, so called “hot spot loitering zones.” The chief of police would establish the zones based on crime statistics. Violators face a $300 fine.

Civil rights advocates have stymied earlier versions of the Bowtie Bill, arguing the legislation violates the right of free assembly assured all citizens in the First Amendment and could even trigger racial profiling of pedestrians on DC streets. Their critique, in the Nose’s humble opinion, fails to see the merits of the legislation, which simply needs a few good tweaks.

Let’s begin with the formulation of “the hot spot loitering zone.” In lieu of using criminal statistics, Graham should have considered drawing from data available on the issuance of building permits and the sale of three-piece suits. In this paradigm, the police could flummox any gathering of two or more developers in front of a property. This might prevent the acquisition of land by individuals who have sufficient funds to demolish but not build.

Had a properly focused Bowtie Law been in effect, perhaps there would be no vacant lot on the northwestern corner of 17th and K streets NW.

Have a tidbit for The Nose? E-mail thenose@hillrag.com.